Managing your own expectations as a parent

Madeleine Inkin is a clinical child psychotherapist, specialising in neurodiversity. She recently spoke to Tassomai about the neurological changes that young people are going through during their GCSE years to give parents a biological and psychological insight into exactly what is happening inside their child’s head. She also covers how parental expectations can affect young minds during such a tumultuous and transformative time… 

Parental Expectations

In my experience the years leading up to the GCSE exams are fraught with difficulty and distress, it is not a happy or easy path to tread as a parent. When I have been working with parents it has been interesting to investigate whether their personal expectations were a good thing. 

As always there are two sides to every story, so let us start with your worst-case scenario. Once we have that outlined and put all your fears out into the open, we can work towards a happy balanced outlook where your child blithely skips towards their exams with excitement and confidence. Sounds impossible right… let's go.

Madeleine Inkin is a contributor to Tassomai’s GCSE Survival Guide, a free 28 page handbook, full of practical tips and expert advice to help families navigate their way through GCSEs. Download your copy of the GCSE Survival Guide here.

Neurological development of young adults

Important changes are taking place during the teenage years. Hormonal changes and changes in different parts of the brain are prompting complete transformations in their lives before academic, family or social pressures even get a look-in. These changes are taking place in the limbic system, which is responsible for seeking pleasure and rewards, emotional responses and sleep, as well as in the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision making, organising, planning and controlling impulses. Knowing and recognising that these changes are going on makes you realise just how much neurological development is happening during these years and how unsettled teenage life really is.

Some of these changes in social and emotional processing are helpful and support the required adjustment to a more focused work load. However, this new and fast-moving neurodevelopment presents a bewitching lure towards exploration and experimentation. Biological maturity does not always connect with psychosocial maturity, it may precede it and so there can be a disconnect. 

The good news is that the adolescent brain has extraordinary neural plasticity, which means there is potential to change. I believe it is up to the significant adults in a child’s life (often parents and guardians) to promote positive developments which help intellectual ability and positive emotional decisions and behaviours.

How do we do this?

The Harmful:
Parental expectations are harmful when they are not attuned to the child. When fantasies about the young person do not coincide with their interests and focus, our expectations can strike a debilitating blow to their development. The worst-case scenario being that the child has a sense of being a disappointment - this will nurture low self-esteem and shame. Shame is one of the strongest emotional responses for this age group and a young adult can dip into shame for the slightest hurt or nuance.

Children develop a sense of themselves from a very early age and they learn a lot from their parents’ responses to them. Parental joy allows children to see themselves as inspiring joy, whereas parental control can create children who are unsure of themselves and their own choices. When parental expectations are not met and parents feel disappointed, developing children and teenagers will internalize a sense of themselves as being a disappointment. When what is expected is not among their interest, focus or ability, parental disappointment can be devastating.

The Helpful:
Parental expectations are helpful when they show that what the child does is important to us; that things matter, that they matter and these expectations let our children know that they belong. When parents are overly accepting of whatever their child does, it communicates that the child does not really matter. It is a fine line to tread as a parent, healthy child-attuned expectations help a child create their own path within healthy boundaries.

Attunement
It’s incredibly important to be emotionally attuned to the sensitivity of your child, while being empathetic and really thinking about what it is like being in their shoes during these formative years. Parents need to nurture this ability to be attuned to their child, to connect to them and create a reciprocal relationship. The child may not want, or be able, to meet their parents hopes and dreams. Parents need to accept this but open their eyes to what can be encouraged and nurtured in their children.

Few studies focus on the influence of parental expectation on both academic performance and depressive symptoms but adolescence is a significant period accompanied by physical, psychological, and social transformations, which can leave young adults increasingly vulnerable to depression. As adolescents face a multitude of different types of stressors, depressive symptoms can occur if they are unable to adequately cope with such stress. When high parental expectations cannot be fulfilled, parents can respond critically to their children’s failures, which in turn may induce stress and depression in adolescents.

Be honest with yourself

Overall, high parental expectations may be a double-edged sword in terms of adolescents’ development. On the one hand, high parental expectations are positively associated with adolescents’ academic performance and can be a great motivator if they are focused on a general overview of their child’s success. On the other hand, these expectations may serve as a stressor and contribute to a child’s struggles. 

Be child led, watch their developing young mind, be honest and thoughtful about their unique interests, talents, and temperament. What were they drawn to instinctively as a young child? Were they outgoing or quiet? What did they choose to do with their time? What were their particular interests? You should have a pretty good picture in your own mind if you are honest with yourself. Place your child in at the centre of your parental observation and concern and this will inform you of any necessary parental expectations.

- Madeleine Inkin